Some people think that being in a peaceful state defines happiness by default. To be honest, for the longest time I always thought that I am not happy because I could never find peace in my life. But then I realized I actually enjoy the conflicts of life. Conflict is interaction. And I especially enjoy the internal conflict. That is why I think I am so attracted to my beautiful depression. I don't necessarily want the answer. I enjoy the process more than the result. It's kind of like... doctors wouldn't want to cure all the disease in the world.. and the police wouldn't want crime free society. That is the goal they work for, but the moment they achieve it, their purpose diminishes.
So.. when I get the answers to my conflicts, I seek different ways to create more. My mind requires perpetual revolution. I always loved this quote, "On the way to discovering what we love, we will find everything we hate, everything that blocks our path to what we desire." But I realized I don't agree with this statement anymore. On the way is actually what I love, and I am content with whatever I find in my way. Because those things provide me with.. the reason to exist. I like existing in chaos. It's more exciting. I don't want to think that there is purpose in my life. I don't want to think that there is goal that I have to reach. I just want to BE. In other word, my happiness isn't a land-lock. I cannot quite achieve happiness, rather stay on the perpetual current of ever changing universe while entertaining my distance with endless questions. Maybe that is why immortality interests me so much.
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